Hey future wives and husbands! I am back with a new post for you all. If you read my last post, I briefly explained that I was depressed. One of the things that depressed me was my off and on relationship with a guy I knew for 5 years. Me and this guy met back in 2012. We talked online and then eventually met in person. Soon we went from dating to being official!
After the death of my husband back in 2008, this guy was the second guy I had a serious relationship with. Well unfortunately we only lasted 3 months. Issues with his ex and me not willing to be second best lead to our breakup. He went back to his ex and I moved on and dated other guys but never had another serious relationship.
We reconnected two years later when he showed up at my sister’s job. She at the time worked at a hospital in Phoenix Arizona. He was there but for a sad reason. His then girlfriend got into a bad car accident. He saw my sister and asked how I was. She ended up giving him my number so we can reconnect. He knew I went through with the death of my husband and was facing the same fate with his girlfriend.
I was pregnant with my third child. I was no longer with the father of my child. So I was single and pregnant. We reconnected as friends. His girlfriend ended up passing away and I tried my best to be there for him. But I was going through some issues and trying to prepare to have my child. After I gave birth to my third child, I ended moving from Arizona back to my hometown of San Diego, CA. We ended up losing communication between each other.
In 2014 I decided to move back to Arizona. After being back for a year, my twin sister asked if I thought about reconnecting with my ex. I did think about him. I knew it must been hard to juggle being a full time single parent. I did think about him but I just didn’t think I should contact him. I went for it and DM’d him on Instagram. We reconnected and started to talk again.
We went from talking to hooking up. He was upfront and honest and said he was not ready to be in a relationship. I tried to be okay with that and was seeing other people. But with us hooking up, I started to have feelings for him again. He said he was attracted to me but he did not want more.
That hurt me and I ended up breaking off our friends with benefits situation. We did not talk for like six months. After dating for sometime, thoughts of my ex came back. With time passing, I realized that I really liked the qualities my ex had more than the other guys I was dating. I decided to see what would happen if we talked again. We once again reconnected and started to hook up. That was more my fault. He was still going through with the death of his ex and juggling being a single parent and other things. But I tried to push the relationship too soon and that caused us to have more fights than hookups.
We went like this for most of 2016-17. We would disconnect and reconnect. It is hard when one person want more than the other. He accused me of always rushing and I accused him of never wanting more from me than sex. So this last fight we had was huge! The worst fight we ever had. Names was being called, accusations was being thrown on both ways. I felt used and he felt like I was pushing things too soon.
That last fight showed me that I had to be the one to walk away. One of the things he told me was I could never make up my mind. I would leave him and then contact him. Even though I knew what those consequences were I would still contact him. But he would contact me as well. I took him contacting me as him wanting more, but all he wanted was just to be friends and hook up from time to time like we always done. Now we had a great friendship. When we did not have sex, things were always fun. We never argued in person which was the crazy part. We always argued via text or on the phone.
It was every time we would get intimate is when things would go left. I took us becoming intimate as us trying to start a relationship. He just took us hooking up as that, hooking up. That last fight I had a huge wake up call!
I will be 36 next year. My husband passed away 10 years ago. I only had one other serious relationship that did not even last a year. It was time for me to truly make up my mind. What did I want for myself or my children? I could no longer keep going in this cycle of hooking up and then rush our friendship to something serious.
Though it hurt to finally walk away, I made the hard choice to leave. I knew I could never be just his friend. I would always want more. At the end of the day he does not want me in the way I would like. He is a great father and friend, but for us, we are not good for each other. Our friendship became too toxic and not healthy for either of us.
I told myself I would walk away many times to only hook up again. So what make this time different? Well it’s the fact that we are going in circles. It’s the fact that we have never got back together. It’s me always starting my celibacy journey to only end that when he came back around. How will I start 2018? Not going in circles with someone who made it clear he did not want more than a friendship.
Walking away for good has been the toughest thing I ever done. In a lot of ways he was my comfort zone, my go to. Maybe I was using him for my selfish needs. At the end of the day I knew I need to end this. I don’t want my daughters to see me go back and forth with a man who does not want more. My girls deserve to see me in a healthy relationship with a man who cherish me and want to be in my life. My son need to see a how a man treat a woman. To know a good thing when he has it.
So I let him go. Not just for me but for my children. It’s been rough. I get urges to contact him but I had to ask myself if I am ready to start this cycle again? The answer is NO! I am taking a break from dating. Spend time with myself and my children.
Another thing I want to do get back to my passion, Writing!!! I miss writing so much! This my outlet and my way of getting my thoughts out.
I am sorry if this post is super long!!! Needed this outlet and glad I put myself out there. I will in another post share more ways I am getting back to my old self. Heartbreak is tough! Moving on from someone you care about is a journey.
Thank you for reading. Comment down below if you can relate to my situation. How long did it take for you to leave your situation? I will talk to you all soon!! xoxo