Good morning future wives and husbands, I wanted to talk about my journey as a widow. I know many may want to know why I shared my story for the world to see. It’s pretty simple, I wanted to share my whole truth because my husband death was not just a death that you hear everyday. It was a death that was filled with drama and male egos and me being in the middle. I was there with our 5 month old son. I was there to see my husband die in front of my face.
When I would tell others that my husband died because it started with a conversation this roommate and I had about my husband always calling. Many would ask me why I entertained this man who I barely knew. Some said I instigated the situation. I also got that I should have told him to talk to my husband about any problems instead of simply asking why he was uncomfortable with my husband calling. I did not know that asking WHY would end in death. Insult to injury some thought I had an affair with this guy who I did not know. It was my first time talking to him and this is what the result was, DEATH.
I had family, in laws and strangers all say either how strong I was to face such tragedy or I had no business asking questions. I already suffered from low self esteem, so to add I contributed to my husbands death sent me over the edge. I could not sleep at night. I had images of my husbands dying playing in my head. I wanted to forget because remembering caused too much pain!
I soon went on a downward spiral for someone to love me and help me forget my past. I turned to men who did not see my worth because I did not see my worth. I never had any real relationship with any of them. Truth was I was still missing my husband, I would find qualities these men had and they had to have something to remind me of my husband. Whether was if he was funny like my husband, or physically resembled my husband, I was searching for him through these men. In doing this produced two beautiful children, but they were a result of my choosing the wrong men to be with. I am grateful to both because having them gave me the biggest wake up call!
After I had my youngest daughter is when I began to hear from God. God wanted me to take time away from these men to focus on ME! I needed to stop running from the death of my husband and FACE IT! That is when I began to self evaluate myself and who I was in my marriage and who I was after his passing. That is when I realized that I never really loved myself. In my marriage I was very much dependent and after his passing I carried on that same trait. I had to look deep in myself as to why I did not love myself. I also had to look at what happened the day my husband died and ask myself was I truly responsible for his death.
Truth was I was not responsible for my husband’s death!. Me asking a question should not have caused him to die. I loved my husband very much. He was my first love, my first everything. So I decided to celebrate our good times and know that we both loved each other and through it all fought to keep our family together. I forgave myself for thinking I had anything to do with his death. I forgave others who put that blame on me. I decided to start fresh with everyone and I began to heal this way.
Self discovery and self work has been vital in my growth. I am now better and stronger than ever. I did it for myself and my children. No matter what I have done, they needed to see their mother happy. I never want any woman nor man to go through what I went through. This is why I started The Future Wife. In this I want to encourage self love, faith, and encouragement to be happy in the single season until we all meet our mates.
I pray this gave those who wonder why I put my story out there clarity and understanding. I will start a support group soon for those who have lost a loved one. We all need that support and encouragement. I pray my story make an impact to those who may be going through this very minute. God bless xoxo