Being a single woman and mother is not always easy. But add on the title Widow! It made life for me extremely hard! I never like to talk about the death of my husband because it has always been a sensitive subject for me. I briefly talked about my husband in my post here and there but I never got down and really personal because I was used to keeping my feeling to myself. But I did not realize how important it is to talk about being a widow because other women like me have had their husbands taken away from them. I want to share my journey a little bit more because it is important to understand someone’s journey and you can understand why my blog is important to me.
I was 25 years old when my husband was killed. What made matters worse was that I was there with our son! I basically watched my first love die in front of my face. It was a traumatizing for me and his death haunted me for years. I blamed myself for his death for years because the start of their fatal fight was a result of me asking the roommate a question he had about my husband. At that time, my husband and I had our first home. But we were going through some financial difficulties, so my husband decided to get a roommate until we get back on our feet. So he asked this man to come stay with us and rent a room. But I guess the roommate felt uncomfortable being at the house. He felt a certain way towards my husband always calling him if he was not home. Instead of telling him he should speak to my husband about his issues, I simply asked why was he uncomfortable with my husband calling . From there my husband walk in and felt betrayed that we were talking about him behind his back. I guess he felt like this guy had no right to confront me about a problem and I should not entertain him with asking questions. It escalate from there. They had other issues and male egos got in the way and that resulted in a brutal fight that ended my husband life. My husband was not involved in a gang violence nor was his life taken by serving in the military. His life was cut short by the hands of a roommate and he was taken from me and my son.
After he passed away I felt lonely. I was very dependent on my husband, so for him not to be in my life and our son life was lonely and I was lost. It was also sad that when he passed away we were not in a great place in our relationship. We loved each other but we were going through other issues, so on top of him not being around, we never got that chance to make up from an disagreement we had. So I was left to think about the what if’s and why I was left here without my first love and why I did not get the chance to make up with my husband. It was a dark time for me.
To be honest his death also made me realize something, I was so dependent on my husband that I really had no self esteem. I did not know who I was as a person because I relied on my husband for everything. He paid all the bills, he made all the decisions and I never had much of a say so because I did not have confidence in myself to make the right choices. I would be under my husband if I was not working. I did not like him going anywhere without me. I would not hang with others because I needed my husband there in case something happened. So I decided after a year of grieving and trying to raise my son alone that I am still grieving but I need to find someone else to lead me and help me with my son. There my desperate search for another husband and love began.
I went on a downward spiral during those years of my life. I kept my hurt and pain to myself but lashed out on family and kept getting involved with the wrong men! I done all the things you are not supposed to do! I had my first daughter from my first one night stand! I had my second daughter from a married man. These are my reality. I would love to say that I was the perfect wife and that I took counseling and spent my time alone but that is not the truth. I may get judged for how I grieved but I am here to say that people grieve differently. I will not hide the truth to make someone love me or respect me. I would pray that the truth will make you understand grieving and that we should not judge but pray for others.
After years of pain and dating these men I realized that I was doing myself a disservice and also a disservice to my children by not taking care of my spirit. I needed to face the death of my husband and to look at myself as a mother and woman. I needed to take a break from dating and finally face the one person I never faced, MYSELF! I did not take the time to really grieve. I did not take the time to evaluate myself in my marriage and take time to heal and to make some much needed change for myself and for my children. I got the courage I needed and freed myself from the past!
1) Put God first: First thing I did was get my relationship back with God. I decided that God brought me peace and His love is amazing and that I needed to focus on God’s love and stop seeking love from others.
2):The next thing is very important. I FORGAVE MYSELF! I did not harm my husband but I blamed myself for years. I had other people blame me for my husband death because some felt I should have let this person talk to my husband. Some even accused me of having an affair with this person and it was far from the truth. Asking a simple question as caused so much pain and that made me have low self esteem and I felt worthless. I let other’s opinion of me get to me and I let them control my feelings. I decided that I was not responsible for my husband death and that though my husband and I was not in a great place, we loved each other and did everything we could to stick together as a family. I forgave myself for going down that path of choosing the wrong men. I had my two beautiful daughters as a result and I am thankful for them and thankful that my husband and I had our son together.
3) I became Celibate and stopped comparing men to my husband: That was the biggest choice that I have ever made. I was a virgin when I met my husband. We did not wait till we got married but I am proud to say that I married the man I lost my virginity to lol. But after his passing I went from man to man searching for love that I did not have for myself. I thought if you become intimate with someone, then they will want to be with you. That is far from the truth. Sex does not equal love and I learned that the hard way. I was also looking for bits and pieces of my husband through these men. I only dated someone if he reminded me of my husband in some way. I had to realize that my husband was one of a kind and I needed stop comparing him to others. So now I am waiting until I get married before I become intimate with my future husband. I want to focus on the emotional, spiritual and mental side of a relationship. I want that closeness and that bond that does not come from sex in the bedroom. That will happen when the time is right. Becoming celibate has been the hardest but most liberating thing I have ever done! So I am happy with my decision and do not plan to go against it.
4) Did the Self Work: It is extremely important to focus on loving ourselves. I decided to finally evaluate myself. I went as far as going back to when I was married. I had to see why I was clingy and dependent on my husband. I had to learn to trust myself! I had to know that I am always doing what is best for myself and my children. I needed to know that I can love myself as a single woman. I needed to take a break from dating so I can truly spend time with myself and know who I am and what I wanted for myself. During this time is when I joined a support group for grieving wives. I learned that I am not alone and though our spouse is no longer with us, we love them and will never forget them. But we owe it to ourselves to keep living and to move forward in a safe and healthy way.
5) Discover your passion and goals in life: During this single season is when I found out what I want to do in life, WRITE! I have always had a passion for writing but I never pursued it. I am not meant to work a 9 to 5. I want to make a career out of writing and sharing my story. That give me the most joy and it has made me truly happy. Nothing is without it’s difficulties but blogging and encouraging women is exciting and has brought my joy back!
6) Appreciate where I am in life and Always say I LOVE YOU: Out of everything I been through and dealing with my husband death is that we have to appreciate life more and cherish each moment with family and friends. To always tell those we love that we love them! I make it a point to always tell my kids I love them very day and night. I want them to know that I love them through thick and thin. The one things I am thankful for is telling my husband I loved him before he passed. So when you are in contact with family and friends. Make them feel good. At least let them know we care even if we are not speaking or not in contact daily. I make it a point to show I care and tell my family I love them.
I am in a great place in my life finally!!! I am feeling my best and am confident in the person I am becoming. I still have areas I would like to improve on but I am mo longer in a dark place in my life. I am just getting started with my journey and I am blessed that I have this platform to share my story! So at 33, I can say that I am growing and learning. The best part is my story is not a perfect story! It is flawed and filled with mistakes and pain. But it is because I hit rock bottom that I actually found my JOY! So I know this is a long post but I thank you for sticking with me and now you have a better understanding with who I am and how I became a future wife! God bless and I pray this post inspire someone today