I am finally AT PEACE IN MY LIFE! I realized that I am finally a SATISFIED SINGLE! It took me such a long time to come to this place in my life. I spent most of my adult life defining myself as a woman who could not live her life alone! I went from being married to being a widow and it left me lonely. When my husband passed away, it made me feel empty and unloved. I was so used to having someone there to love me and to fight with me, that I did not think I could live my life without another human loving me. I did not want to take the time to love myself. I depended on a man to love me and I began my search for that love.
I was torn between grieving my husband and wanting a family again. I did not believe that I was capable of being a single mother to my son. I was used to my husband helping me with our son. So being a single mother was tougher than I expected. So I started my search for a husband and ran into dead end after dead end. The men saw my desperation and did not see a future with me. The men who wanted to try for a relationship with me could not handle my constant comparison to my husband. I wanted a husband but I basically wanted a carbon copy of my husband. You know that anyone would not want to be compared to someone from your past. Through my search, I formed an intimate relationship with the wrong men and two of my beautiful daughters came from that failed experience. After years of never building a solid relationship with men, I began to finally look at the one person who was the common denominator, ME!
I finally began to wonder why I could not keep a man? Why was I still single after all these years? By now I should be engaged or married and living happily ever after. But that was not my story. I went from a single mother of one to a single mother of three! So I decided that I needed to for once in my life take a break from dating and dig deeper and figure out what was my problem. From that day on, I have began to work on myself. I saw what my problems was and started to change and do the self work. I took a much needed break from dating and decided to work on my career. I needed to focus on a solid career and take care of my kids without the distraction from looking at my phone for alerts from someone looking at my online profile. I needed to work on MY LIFE and not my life with someone in it. Now I can finally say I AM TRULY HAPPY!
During the holiday seasons is when I would get the most depressed! I would be sad thinking I did not have someone to cuddle with, to buy gifts for and not get a gift from my man. It will be just me and the kids once again. But this year it is different. I do get a bit sad that I will be spending Christmas with just my kids and not with a special man kissing under the mistletoe. Now I am very grateful.
Though it is another Christmas season of being single, I am ok with being single and happy to just be alive and healthy. I am happy that I have changed my views on love and not defining myself with a man but associating myself with love from within. I am not chasing anyone to love me but I have found peace in loving myself. I am happy and surrounding myself with love from my children. That is indeed the best Christmas gift I can ever receive!