I have discussed this topic before in my older post called LIVING WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND. I decided to revisit this topic because as I am home drinking tea and reading a blog post on one of my favorite websites XONECOLE.COM, I ran across an article called WHY SHACKING UP WORKS FOR ME. I decided to read it and I have an opinion of course lol. I DON’T AGREE WITH LIVING WITH A BOYFRIEND BEFORE MARRIAGE.
Jeleesa Lashay wrote her reasons why shacking up works for her and her partner. I get what her message is. It can be a financial benefit as well as you can get to know the person you may end up spending the rest of your life with. She also spoke on her career and how having her boyfriend living with her is a benefit because he can be there physically and provide her emotional support. She said a lot more but my question is “WHY DOES IT TAKE TWO PEOPLE LIVING TOGETHER FOR YOU TO GET TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE DATING?”
Speaking from experience, I have lived with my husband before we got married. I have to say that it was tough!!! I had some bad habits and he had some bad habits as well. But coming from a Christian household I felt guilty for not waiting until I got married before I lived with my husband and doing wifey duties. I loved coming home to him and loved sleeping in the same bed and all but my conscious got the best of me. So we talked about it and we decided to live apart and wait until we got married. What I loved about my husband was that he respected my need to wait for marriage before we lived together. He did not grow up in a traditional Christian household but he respected me enough to know that I wanted to become celibate and wait to live together when we got married. We ended up getting married almost a year after I moved out.
I think we actually became stronger after that because we would talk about living together again and how we will do it right. That may not be someone’s plan for their life but It is more ideal to wait. My husband supported me though we did not live together. We did not have to live together to get that full support. Another thing is we already knew each other’s habits even before we moved in together. He already knew I sort of worked better with things being unorganized because I knew where everything was. He was more organized and had to have order. We knew that because we talked about our living habits and I have been over to his place before we even lived together. Because we were actually honest about how we lived, we did not just discover it living together. Ladies tend to want to make their man believe that she is super clean and love organization. I was not that type unfortunately lol. My man knew I worked in mess and he did not lol. So before you even get married, you should already know their living habits.
Jalessa Lashay also said that those who lived traditionally in their marriage were not always happy. I can agree that some probably were not happy but what I respect about tradition is they never threw in the towel on their relationship! It’s true that some may be unhappy but the ones who were unhappy did not marry for love but because of circumstance. Some probably had a kid out of wedlock or was forced to marry. That is very unfortunate but that is not always the story. Some married because they loved each other and wanted to do it right by getting married. Those who respected God’s way of living lasted that Golden 50 years. Most of the older generation did not have a high rate of divorces because they did not believe in DIVORCE! Some probably wanted to divorce and never did. These days couples are living together and don’t want to be defined by a piece of paper because the truth is they do not believe that they will stay married to their partner. There is a problem when we rush marriage so we can live together or do not move forward with marriage because we do not think we have what it take to fully commit to this person.
I think this writer sort of wanted to justify her reasons for shacking up and the truth of the matter is we all want to justify what is right but ultimately God’s way will always win. She feels like if couples don’t live together before marriage, that will make them unhappy and that you cannot fully support someone unless you live together. I used to think that way and was for it when my husband suggested we live together. It would make more sense because we did not have to go see each other often because we was already living together and it would benefit us finically. Well the truth was it was hard but it was also wonderful to always be there next to your man daily. But I felt like we did much better when we lived apart. Honestly I looked forward to him coming to see me and anticipated his calls when we were away from each other. When we lived together we sort of felt smothered because we were always together. So we knew that once we got married we will be ok with living together and seeing each other daily. We wanted to enjoy the dating aspect and wanted to get excited to see each other and spend time together. We would get excited calling each other and talking all night about our hopes and dreams, our fears and our career goals. So we realized that we did not have to live together in order to get that full support. I cooked for him and all so I told him once we got married I will be there to cook his breakfast, make his lunch and he will come home to a full course meal. He did that same for me. But I felt better when I honored God and waited till we go married before we lived together.
Let’s not forget what the Bible say about living together in sin. I know in these days and age it is more popular to go against the Bible. I have went against the Bible and had two beautiful girls out of wedlock but in that journey I realized that there was a reason why God had put that in the Bible. God knew this generation will not honor marriage and they would want to live that non traditional life but that has not benefitted anyone in the long run. Most who live together either never marry or get married years later and divorce within a 6 months to a year period. I have seen people marry after living together for 10+ years and want a divorce after 3 years!!!! Well why would you want to divorce this person when you shacked up all these years? They are not a stranger, so what is the problem? But each his own I guess.
My point is living together before marriage will not make you more prepared than the person who waited. People want to make justifications on why they would rather shack up instead of getting married. I think if the love is real and you are truly willing to put up with the good and bad, then why not be committed? A piece of paper should not scare you and you should be willing to work out any issues before you marry and after you marry. Living together will not solve life problems and marriage will not do it as well. Real unconditional love with each other and God being at the center will be the glue that hold two people together. I don’t want to put her down because she would rather live with her boyfriend. I think everyone should be able to give their views without tearing each other down or beating their heads with the Bible or talking against Tradition. So we agree to disagree and I respect her for even opening this discussion.