I wanted to talk to my future wives and husbands about what we want out of our future mate. Are you the type to make a list? Do we have these expectations that he or she has to meet in order for you to be with them? Well I had my list ready and prayed about it daily. But when I met my husband, he was nothing like the list I had!! Though I loved him and he loved me, one of the worst thing we did to each other was try to change each other. We were complete opposites! He was the cool and outgoing guy and I was the shy Christian. We loved that we were different but at the same time we wanted each other to match the list we had. That was our biggest issue we had. We never got to truly get over that particular issue before he passed away. Now that I have been healed from his death and truly ready to love again, I think about that issue and don’t want to bring that into the next relationship.
That is why I am glad I have embraced this season of being reserved. It force you to think about past relationships. It make you think about YOU!! We all know what we would do to change him, but what about us? What are we willing to do in order to be a woman worthy of a good man. Fact is that everyone has their hang ups. There will be certain issues that this person has that you don’t particularly like. The issue is not the hang up, but what hang ups are you willing to accept? Does he have a bad habit of being cheap on a date? Will you be willing to compromise and find a place that is nice but not expensive? What if he did not make more money than you? Will you be willing to be the bread winner in the relationship? If he is not the height or don’t have the education that was on your list, would you still be with him?
When we are busy changing our mates, it take away from who really need the change, US!!! Jesus never went around forcing anyone to change their ways. He went and spoke about having eternal life. He told us not to conform to the world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. But never did Jesus force us to change our ways but told us the consequences if we did not change. His message is change because it Is in our hearts to change. In a relationship we have to be the example that Jesus was for us. We have to focus on the inner person within and if there is any changes that need to be made, pray and let God work that change out in our mates.
It is important for us to make sure we get to know the person. Not to rush or be ruled by the flesh. I realized that when you try to change someone, we are basically saying that the essence of who they are is not good enough for you. It’s like we try to tell our man how to act in public and not be too loud or the man telling us not to be so sensitive. I’m not talking about the serious issues such as infidelity or substance abuse or verbal or physical abuse. Those issues are far more serious and require major changes in order to be a better person. I am talking about the petty issues with people breaking. For instance guy may want to break up because she don’t wear her natural hair. A man may feel like she is not being real by wearing weaves and wigs, But you met her that way and she may never wear her natural hair. So now you being petty and thinking she is not the one for you because you need her to stop having those things in order for her to feel beautiful. Or a woman may feel like the man should be more like some guy they see on tv or their friends man or even compare him to her father. He may not show that he love you the way you want him to show you. Instead of telling him how you feel, you start to nag and judge and then you end things because the way he love you don’t match how you want to be shown. I feel like if you choose this person to be in your life, then some things require change for the better but other issues require compromise. But in those rare cases, someone may never change a habit that they have. Then the question become whether you can accept this person the way they are for the rest of your life?
Use this season of not dating to focus on bettering yourself. Don’t go into any relationship feeling that you need to change this person so that he or she can meet your expectations or maybe the expectation of family or friends. Everyone is flawed and no one is perfect. That is one of the biggest lessons I have learned!! Stop looking for what I can change about a person and look within. Never be with anyone that you feel like you need to change. Compromise is the best way to go about any issue that you may have. Let God do a work in your mate, not you! All you can do is be that light so that he can see if there is any changes he need to make!