I have been through a lot over the years. I have made some choices in life that I couldn’t imagine ever doing. I have grieved the death of my first love, but at the same time thinking that my son needed a father. I grieved while I was on a frantic search of finding a father for my son. I felt empty without a partner and feared I would not be able to raise my son to be a great man. But I did not see my worth and did not take enough time to grieve and work on myself.This lead to my first one night stand. I conceived my first daughter with a man that I barely knew. I became a widow and pregnant with my second child out of wedlock. Widow at the age of 25 and a parent to a fatherless daughter at the age of 28. I felt shame and beat myself up for the longest time. I set out to find a father for my son but ended up with a beautiful daughter who would end up fatherless. Went from bad situations to bad situations without seeking the Lord. I left His side to do my own thing. To carve my own path. I had bitterness in my heart and held myself a prisoner of unforgiveness. I had my patterns of practicing the same sins I said I would no longer commit. I beat myself up daily because I thought feeling sorry for myself would make God forgive me more. I tried to make it right by doing works that was pleasing to God. I then fell back to old habits and again tried with my works and self pity to make it right. I decided to become celibate but met a man that I found out was married. I did not know my worth and longed to be loved and have a relationship. I had a sexual relationship with this person knowing he had a wife and child. I knew it was wrong but my need for attention spoke louder than the Lord who tried to get me to work on myself and focus on Him. Did not obey and became pregnant with my third daughter who became fatherless because he did not want to be a father to her in fear his wife would leave him. So I am now a widow and a mother of three fatherless children. I created this cycle of trying to find love and have a family, but it ended up with no results.
I finally listened to the voice of the Lord. He told me to start this day and trust in Him and his timing. I made my mistakes and went away from God. But He told me that He forgave me of my sins and that I need to be ok and forgive myself. He would mend my broken heart, but I had to let God do his work in me. He told me to know longer give my body to anyone who would not have me in marriage. God told me to take time to love myself and that He is my father and my kids father as well. He reminded me that he sent His son on earth to save us of a burning hell and to take on our sins and sickness. If we would only give ourselves to Him, he will restore all that we loss. I woke up with the determination to move forward in Christ and work on loving myself, forgiving myself, forgiving those who I felt hurt me and abandoned me. I am now a proud, celibate woman who has forgiven myself and loving the Lord. It’s been a year of celibacy and I love myself more than ever!
Though I am not perfect, I want my Future Self to know that she is more than a conquer! I have been through the storm and back. I have ended my cycle of self hate and each day learning to love myself and become a better mom. I have forgiven people and myself. I am growing each day and I am working on my career that God has longed for me to do. To be a living testimony! To share my story and to let others know that He love all his children and want us to love ourselves and others. To be a blessing to others and to be a light in a dark world. I am thankful for redemption and for what the future holds. I will be a wife in the future and have the family that I long for and a career that will I always wanted. I want my future self to keep going in the right direction. If I shall fall, pick myself back up, pray to my father and keep going in this race! To never give up. To know who I am in Christ and for my three beautiful children to know that He love them with all His heart. He will give them the family that they need. But to be ok in the mean time. To heal their broken heart. For them to see what an awesome God we serve! We are a family and in my season, He will extend my family with the right man. He will be a leader and a man after God’s own heart.
We all fall down, but we all should get back up! never again will I be a prisoner of my past and neither shall you! When others start to judge, know who you are in Christ and move forward! After all, only Jesus can be the judge and can’t anyone save us or heal us but Jesus. Always remember that as long as we are alive, we have a chance to make it right with God and win!